Mommy moments come in all forms of days at the park, backyard BBQs, or meetings at the pool. They are a great time to get to know other mothers and share activities as well as advice. But as the number of women who live with chronic illness such as chronic fatigue syndrome and lupus continues to grow, so does the spontaneity of the fun of these mommy moments.
For example, according to the National Fibromyalgia Association, fibromyalgia (FM) experts estimate that about 10 million Americans and approximately 5 percent of the population worldwide suffer with FM, one of the fastest growing auto-immune diseases in the USA. I recently attended an adoptive mom’s playgroup and within this niche group, three out of the six of us had chronic illnesses. Being aware of a friend’s limitations and challenges, acknowledging them, and just asking questions, can make a huge impact in their ability to participate and feel comfortable with their peers.
[1]. Don’t be hesitant to ask what time of the day is best for play-dates or activities. For someone with a chronic illness, this will vary from season to season (weather can impact it a lot); and also from one illness to another. For some moms, mornings are good and afternoons are exhausting; for others it’s the other way around. Heat combined with illness can make it impossible for a chronically ill mom to even be outside for long.
[2] Be understanding if she has to cancel, rather than bombarding her with guilt. Coping with a chronic illness means that every day is unpredictable. Last week I did nothing other than take a step and my knee locked up for four days. I did all the heat and ice therapies, took extra medication and tried not to complain. But all my plans were cancelled with no advance warning.
[3] Ask her to clarify what she’s comfortable doing. For example, you might say, “How far do you want to walk today?” and try to accommodate. Even though you can see the park from your house two blocks away, she may not be bale to make it. Stairs may be impossible, and I won’t even take escalators any more because of my knees, so take the elevator with her. Walk at her pace, recognizing that she may have to take rest stops every few minutes even though you’ve only walked fifty feet. Do her a huge favor and chase after her kids for a few minutes. Standing for longer than a couple minutes may also be a challenge. Despite the pain of walking, it’s better for me than standing. Even though the line at the carousel looks like it’s only five minutes, she may need you to offer to stand in line and then let her jump in beside you at the last minutes.
[4] Be polite when asking questions about her illness. For example, ask, “What is your greatest challenge?” Don’t tell her about all the cures you’ve heard for her illness or about the products you sell that could cure her; or about your mother’s aunt’s neighbor who has the same illness but still is able to raise five children and work a full-time job.
[5] Be aware of simple things that may be difficult for her. For example, if you go to the beach, you may want to ask her if she would like to be dropped off while you find a parking spot; she may not be able to sit on the ground so bring a few lawn chairs so she isn’t the only one two feet above the rest of your friends. She will likely be limited in her sun-exposure. She may not be able to carry as much picnic items as you can from the car. While you don’t want to make her feel helpless, nor does she want you to make a big deal out of it, just be aware that she may need some extra considerations.
[6] Don’t presume that she can watch your children diligently, even for five minutes, unless she volunteers. Taking care of kids is exhausting and caring for her own may be draining the little strength she had left. Plus, if your kids are run out into the street, keep in mind that she may not physically be able to sprint after them as fast as you could.
[7] Plan things that she can participate in. Even though you may think nothing of inviting her to your stroller exercise group, and mommy and me aerobics classes, these are not likely options for her. Discover what kinds of things she likes to do and then see if you can join her. And don’t try to set a record for the longest outing. Keep the activities under three hours or at least let her know that she’s welcome to go whenever she wants. You may like six hours watching the elephants, but she’s going to need to get home and recover from the outing. Don’t try to encourage her to stay longer by saying “A little more exercise might really help you feel better!”
[8] Lastly, tell her those words that every mom so wants to hear at least once in her life: “You are doing such a great job as a mom. I don’t know how you do it all, especially with your illness. I really admire your perseverance and strength.