After planning for your support group for weeks, or even months, it’s time for your first meeting. You feel rather organized. You’ve prepared a proposal to start up a support group which was approved by an organization or church. You’ve put together a welcome folder for new members and you have scheduled your topic or speakers for coming months.
Does all of this mean that your meetings will run perfectly? Despite your best plans, the chances are unlikely. Here are a few frustrations that you may encounter during those first meetings s they are worth acknowledging and being prepared for in advance.
(1) Only a couple of people come.
How it feels: Although it can be disappointing to put so much work into the meeting and have just one or two people come (or maybe none at all!) realize that this can be typical. Don’t take it personally. You are fighting an uphill battle in getting people to attend. When they feel ill, they don’t especially want to go and socialize with others. When they feel well, they’d rather do something much more fun then sit around and talk about the times they are in pain.
What to do: A good motto is “Hope for the best and prepare for the few.” HopeKeepers is a Christian small group program that serves the chronically ill, and their founder says, “Although it’s discouraging when just a couple of people come, we try to concentrate on the fact that God planned that specific meeting. Once I had just one person come to my group and I was bummed out, but we ended up having the best conversation. Later she said that she was terribly shy and probably wouldn’t have even spoken if others had attended the meeting.”
Keep an outline of your lesson, and include what topics were discussed. Then you can easily “repeat” the meeting with little preparation. And it may not hurt to call people, and without pressuring them, ask if there is anything that you can do to make it easier for them to attend. For example, do they need a ride? What is their best time of day for a meeting?
(2) Everyone seems to ignore your lesson plan.
How it feels: As though your ideas aren’t interesting or inspiring enough to keep their attention. It can also feel as though no one appreciates all of the time you spent in preparation.
What to do: Allocate more than usual flexibility in your timeline at first and then add in more structure as the group meets and you begin to see how it flows. It’s most likely that people are so excited to meet one another who understand what they experience living with daily chronic pain, that they just want to talk. You’ve provided a forum where the floodgates of pent up emotions are sure to spill over as soon as they realize they are allowed to be honest and vulnerable. It’s impossible to hold up a book and point people back toward your lesson plan when one of the members is sobbing over her daughter who has told her mom her illness is “all in your head” and until she gets over it they are done. This type of situation can occur at any meeting, but it may be more frequent during the first month.
Talk openly with the group about your desire to have plenty of time available for people to share, but that you also want everyone to leave the meeting feeling refreshed. Regardless of what occurs during the meeting, you will be ending the time together with an inspiring article, scripture, poem, prayer, devotional, etc.
(3) Everyone complains! About relationships, medical professionals, their illness-everything!
How it feels: Like you are expected to manage a small riot. There are many built up emotions where people have experienced deeply wounded feelings, unjust consequences, and even medical errors. It can seem they want you to fix the situation or else they will talk incessantly about it to everyone.
What to do: Write some simple procedures before your first meeting if possible, and include the “venting guidelines.” Read “10 Ways to Make Your Illness Support Group Uplifting.” One practical step is to set a timer and allow everyone to have 60 seconds to share their most exasperating experience of the week. Have a contest with a prize for who handled their frustrating situation the best or with the most creativity. Be silly and give an award for someone to take home for the week, like “Aggravated the Alligator Award” (a rubber alligator).
Group members should have a sense of freedom in sharing their concerns and annoyances, but be sure to include others in the conversation. If Jane can’t seem to let go of a situation, add, “Jane, I know some of us can identify with what you are sharing. Can someone else tell us how she or he has dealt with the emotions that accompany a situation that was similar?” If you are doing a study you can say, “Since we want to have plenty of time at the end to share something uplifting, let’s move on to question five. Jane, would it be okay if people could offer their encouragement after the meeting or maybe later this week with a phone call or email?”
(4) One person dominates the conversation and seems to take over the meetings, disregarding any plans you have or other’s need to talk.
How it feels: Infuriating! After all your preparation it can be annoying to have someone override your entire meeting and take the group down a path that lacks the encouragement you want to provide. You justifiably could be concerned about her impact on the group and how many people she could scare away.
What to do: Set boundaries at the beginning. While it’s vital that people are allowed to communicate their disappointments, it’s important that they also respect group members. They must watch their language, be aware of the amount of time they are talking, be respectful in the decisions others make about their medical treatments and more.
Put together some simple guidelines at the beginning that you hand out to new members in a welcome folder. Then if the person dominating the meetings doesn’t get your hints, speak with her privately. You may also want to put her in charge of a certain part of the meeting so she can have a designated time to talk and be in a leadership position. When situations like this occur, people can be gently reminded of the guidelines they received when they first joined the group. It won’t feel quite as personal as you correcting their behavior.
In conclusion, understand that leading an illness support group is not the uncomplicated task it is often assumed to be. Sometimes we think of it as simply letting people know when you’re getting together to share and support one another, loads of people show up, and everyone’s personalities click perfectly. Don’t be alarmed if it doesn’t work this way.
It takes a special person who can effectively communicate with people to lead a support group. A facilitator must be able to gently guide people in the path you wish them to go, so that the group makes a positive emotional impact, rather than becoming a complaint forum. A leader be compassionate, but also able to set boundaries or diffuse anger. As circumstances arise, ask other leaders for ideas and support. And most of all, remember that no leader ever feels one-hundred percent capable. Having a willingness to learn and listen are some of the top leadership qualities in which to invest.